It is over

June 8, 2007

There is no real easy way to say this. Did I see it coming, well there were signs, little ones. Maybe I was a little optimistic about how things will turn out. I did have big hopes for this relationship. All the good signs were there, it was just missing something.. I didn’t ponder that much on the thing that was missing and decided to keep on going the normal way about it and concentrate on the good things with the relationship. Soon enough, I found out that I should have taken action way earlier, maybe it would have decreased the level of outcome.

A Series of unfortunate events. That is what it was. I didn’t expect it to reach this level, I tried hard very hard to get things going forward but without avail, there was no compromise, there was no cooperation there was no understanding.

I described a situation to my close friend by explaining to him how when you have a key that will not open a lock, what’s the default course of action? Replace the lock and key! It does not mean to refile the key to match the lock, neither do you start searching for a lock that opens the key. What does replacing the lock and key require? Compromise and cooperation, but if both parties do NOT understand the situation, neither do they wish to move forward and are stuck at one point, then it is impossible to make it work.

If you or anyone you know is going to get into a serious relationship, or a marriage I would really urge you to study the situation in an unbiased manner. The main issue should be conflict and how you can over come it with your partner. Here are a few pointers you might want to keep in mind;

• Do NOT test your partner. Testing your partner would only lead to problems and lack of trust. It even shows lack of trust. How can you test someone you trust so much? It doesn’t make sense.
• Compromise. I can’t stress this enough. Marriage or other serious relationships are not about power, nor are they about who’s the dominating person, it is about an agreement or an agreement to disagree!
• Communicate. Don’t keep everything in until the last minute. Speak whenever you get the chance and be sincere and considerate. If you do not understand why your partner did something, ask them what and why they did what they did.
• Assert. Do not make this about YOU. This is about BOTH of you. If something is bothering you, then talk about how to make it work with the relationship, making something work only for you will not be healthy for any relationship, especially if you care about the other person so much. Key word is “WE”, “OUR”.
• Understand. If you don’t understand, then say you don’t. Do not try to guess what the other person wants. We all would love if the other person would understand us without us saying a word, but most of the time that doesn’t work. Make an effort, take initiative.
• Love. You have to love the other person and be compassionate to make a relationship work. You can’t just play hard to get all the time. You can’t expect the person to miss you without loving you first. Little gestures can do wonders. A small gift or some flowers are very cute. Even guys would appreciate a small gift, or a flower or anything. Also, love is not only gifts it is words. Speak gently, say nice words, sweet words and I’m sure the other person will notice that and take it to heart.
• Touch. In any love relationship the value of being touched and touching the other person is very important. Holding the hand of the person or a little kiss on the cheek or a hug is always very important and should not be neglected. Do not wait for the other person to make the first move! You have to make a move if the other person doesn’t, don’t be afraid because if you two are in love, this will only enhance the relationship.
• Be Patient. Without patience, nothing can last. If you feel that there is something missing and that you’ve done everything you can then do not worry and be patient that one day you will get what you need. In a relationship where both people are in love, good things happen, and they usually take time. Don’t push it, but be patient. You can give signs, you can try to take initiative, but if that does not work then be patient. If you feel that it has been too long then have a talk with the other person and be open minded and listen to what the other person has to say. Do not be aggressive, neither be defensive, but assert yourself in a way to show how you want this relationship to get better and move on to better levels.

A final note. The only people who can help you with your relationship are both of you. A single person in a relationship can’t make it work on her own. People who are not part of the relationship can only help you see things differently, but they can’t make it work for you, you have to listen and work as a team to make a relationship work.

This is merely a word of advice from myself, a person who’d been through a marriage that has become no more. I wish you all the best. God bless you all. :)

Posted in N., Personal, Philosophy